Have you ever been out riding around when you need a coffee? Pop? Run into a store for some candy? A beer? Well I have decided to spend the day coming up with a ton of ideas that will work in most situations when you don’t have a bike lock. No bushes, trees, signs, bears, palletts, bikes, or Bums were hurt in this experiment. What did happen was during this process I had to shit really bad, so I threw my bike in the bushes and ran like hell to the bathroom of the Boston Market (Dang gravy). When i came out my bike was gone.
Good news is that I finished this whole article and everyone should be able to apply a new bike lock to everyday life. Bad news is that my ass got the best of me and my bike was out of my sight for to long. I came out of the bathroom and it was gone. Truthfully it was one of those shits that you don’t care if there is toilet paper, shit on the seat, anything. I was actually thinking that I don’t care if my bike was gone, I had to shit so bad, hot rain. I am a dumb ass, but fuck it. You all can learn from this, or can you? If I had to do it again I would take my bike in the bathroom.
HERE IT IS, IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BIKE LOCK, USE ONE OF THESE METHODS BELOW. EACH AND EVERYONE I HAVE USED. I EVEN HAVE USED ONE CALLED THE PAY-TO-STAY BIKE LOCK. This is where you pay someone to look after your bike while you go in someplace and take care of business. Send me ideas or pics if you have a better bike lock than the ones below…
You can always put your bike in the bushes and keep an eye on it through the window, actually you can watch someone steal it this way unless your fast as hell. Good thing about this is you can see the person stealing your bike and run after them and kick them in the teeth.
This is one of the greatest bike locks, throw your ride in the dumpster. Every business has one, sometimes they are real close to the entrance, otherwise you have to go out back. Some things that suck about this one is that your bike and you will smell like dumpster juice, you might find a dead body, and you might run into a bum and have to fight him for territory.
Most grocery stores have stacks of pallets near the loading dock. Who would think to look under a stack to find a bike and steal it? No one unless you burn pallets every night to stay warm. Success rate on not getting your bike stolen this way, 8.
This is the Tree lock. This one depends on how high you put your bike in the tree and how fluffy the tree is. Bikes don’t grow on trees, so a thief wouldn’t look for one there. If you have pegs, it should stick on the first throw…
If your on your bike, people have a hard time stealing it. Specially if your doing sweet old ass tricks. Everyone wants to see a show. If you take a hand or a foot off they think your nuts and want to see more. They don’t want to steal a bike from entertainment, specially free entertainment. Miami hoppers will keep your bike safe. Catfish, can you still do these?
This lock depends on if you can find a wooden bear and if your thief is fooled by a fake wooden bear. One more factor is if you can get the bike to hang in the bears mouth. This bear lock is a pretty scary idea, so be careful. You should be really high on CAli weed when you do this.
Everywhere you go there is a fence. Bike thieves hate to climb fences, not a quick get away. Toss your bike over and your golden. Make sure that the top of the fence doesn’t have barb wire, getting your bike back will be very difficult that way. Success rate 9, temptation of a bike thief rate 10. This is like window shopping for a new ride.
Most people think that if you take the time to put your bike in a rack, that its locked up. This is very clever and really dumb. If all else fails, this one can work?
Every place you go to has cars. Hiding a bike on top of a car can cause damage, so I use vans. They really don’t want to go on top of their van to see what damage you have caused. Big mistake if you don’t pick the right van. You could come out and your bike and van are gone. Good news is that your bike should be within a few blocks away sitting in the road…
Little kids are usually the fuckers that steal bikes, and midgets. So if you can hang your bike high enough so they can’t reach it, BLAM, bike hang is a sweet lock.
If your rooming with some dicks and you don’t want them to steal your bike, hang it from the coat rack. Success rate 1. This also works if you decided to throw your bike in a lake to hide it…the rack with drip dry it after you fish it out. If you do that in Florida, look out for the Gators, they will nip your face off.
Shrubs are everywhere, toss your shit in the shrubs and no one will know. This helps if your bike isn’t shiny. Bums like shiny things, so don’t draw attention to the bushes. This is the one that got my bike. Might be all the flashy stickers. Damn sponsors. Now you have to get me a new bike. Kinda like growing bikes and parts on trees, or this case shrubs. Thanks sponsors.
This lock is kinda confusing. Find a ton of bikes and just throw your bike around the pile. Or in this case, its some art shit, so throw your bike at the art and hopefully it sticks. Then your free to go do your shit, bike free.
A ditch or pit is perfect cover up for a lock. Easy to do, just toss your bike in and get it when you need it. Might smell like a used condom, but at least you still have your bike.
This is the Winner. This is my favorite and pretty hard to do depending on the sign. This will draw a lot of attention and people taking photos. 1st off, finding a sign this good is tough. Then you have to make sure the sign is small enough to slide your bike through the top tube and down tube. Then you have to lift it high enough and slide it down. My method is to throw my bike and try to get a ringer. So this can be a game, but it will draw a lot of attention. This is my favorite and I suggest this anytime you don’t have a lock. Who the fuck needs a lock? or wants to carry that big heavy thing around? Not me.
Click this link and Go steal this fuck heads bike, balance on this
Leave comments below please…CDC sure as shit will leave the most.
Last but not least, the best possible way to not get your bike stolen, Shit on your seat and grips.