The Magic players have vowed not to shave until the playoffs are over, but what about you, Magic fans?
Are you man enough to grow a beard?
It’s time to turn the City Beautiful into the City Beard-Is-Full.
Be beard or be weird.
Do not think this is just about creating chemistry and camaraderie within the Orlando Magic locker room.
No, there is more than just symbolism to the Magic players growing playoff beards as they ready for their chase to the championship. There is a mystical machismo that grows within your heart as whiskers grow upon your face.
If you don’t believe it, just listen to the words of a couple of local barbers at Supermen Fades to Fro’s Barbershop in Eatonville.
“A beard can give a man confidence,” says Reggie Jones, the owner of the shop where Dwight Howard and other Magic players have been known to frequent.
“A beard,” says barber Chris Hammonds, “is what says a man is a man’s man.”
Since the beginning of time, the beard has represented virility and masculinity. As it says on the opening page of the website Beardly.com: “A man doesn’t grow a beard; a beard grows a man.”
Says Magic forward Ryan Anderson, whose beard is one of the most impressive on the team: “The beard is nature. It’s the caveman living by the law of the land, hunting and killing animals for a living.”
No question about it, scruff is tough. All you have to do is flip back through the pages of history and you will understand that the beard represents male pride and power.
Old Greek proverb: “There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless — boys and women — and I am neither one.”
Old Arab proverb: “A woman with a beard looks like a man. A man without a beard looks like a woman.”
Wrote William Shakespeare, the bard of the beard: “He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.”
Is it just coincidence that Shakespeare, perhaps the greatest writer of all time, wore a beard? I don’t think so. Not when you do some research and realize many of the greatest men in history chose to beard up.
The greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln, wore a beard and so did the greatest American writer Ernest Hemingway. The greatest Beatle (John Lennon) wore a beard as did the greatest fictional character (Santa Claus).
Doesn’t matter your politics or religion, beards are boss. Both generals in the Civil War – Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee – wore beards. And so did two of the greatest religious figures – Jesus Christ and Muhammad – the world has ever known.
Indeed, the Bible says, “You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard.”
Even though the Magic have vowed to let their whiskers grow, I’m not so sure they fully comprehend the enormous power of the beard.
Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he would rather his players eliminate turnovers instead of eliminate shaving.
“What matters is what happens out on the court,” Van Gundy says.
“You still have to go out and play,” says Magic GM Otis Smith, who, by the way, has the best beard on the team. “Great people in history who had beards would have been great even without their beards.”
Beard blasphemy, that is.
Magic player Dwight Howard has the makings of a goatee sprouting on his chin, but he doesn’t seem to be fully embracing his new look. He says he feels more confident without a beard than with one and hints that most women like him with a baby face.
Dwight obviously needs to start dating women like the late country comedienne Minnie Pearl, who once said: “Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don’t mind going through a little bush to get there!”
The same could be said about winning an NBA championship.
Cheer the beard.
Fear the beard.
Revere the beard.
It starts now, Orlando.
Not just with the team, but with the fans.
Hey, all you clean-shaven men out there, are you ready to get on the beard bandwagon or not?
If you are a true Magic fan, it’s time to show it – and grow it.
Grow one like this shit bag.
Stan you look like a porn star, do work with that stache